sayonara....

alright,i haven't updated this blog for quite sometimes.been busy settling down as an unemployed person,heh.actually,this is going to be my last entry in blogspot since i already found a new 'spot' for blogging *wink*.well,not really my last entry,i'm going to scribble something in here from time to time,but not frequently.and about this new spot...it's awesome!found out about it through someone who also blogs in there regularly.the thing i like most about it?it has a password protected entry features!!great isn't it?plus,it's free :P and i'll always go for free things,hehe.i love this blog,but it has a lot of unforgiven memories.need a new job,need new blog and need a new life's perspective... *wink*

since this is going to be my last entry...it ought to be quite long.so bear with me folks*wink*

meri zindegi hey kyaaaa....hahah...what the...???that is a lyric from a hindi song which is on the radio now.my lil sis is soooo jiwang.what can i say,hahah.sometimes i think some romantic-mat jiwang-alien has overtaken her body.she's now watching the world cup while listening to romantic hindi songs...what a weird combination.????.heh.btw,she passed her entrance test for medicine at UI (universitas indonesia).so 4 years in indonesia and 1 year in melbourne...good for her!and how lucky i am...one less sibling to care for.heh,okay...that is just so evil of me *wink*.

another good news...hmm...regarding me?noo...my lil bro got what he wished for...a new electric guitar plus with lessons!!that spoiled kid,heh!my parents always give in to him,no wonder he is so hard headed when it comes to disciplines.new handphone,new football shoe,new bike,new motorcycle,new jeans,new playstation and a brand new edition of world cup 2006 football...huh.and i didn't even get anything for my birthday,heh.after all,he's the only SON,uhhm...and he's the only lil brother i have *wink*

anotherrr good news?no,not about me...my aunt is coming down to singapore/malaysia for summer holiday with the entire family.she said this would be their last vacation together as a family since the boys are all grown up and would like to spend their summer with friends starting next year and this time they're going to round half the globe...*wink*...superb!!can't imagine they all are big boys now.hmm,i still couldn't grasp the idea of me being *cough* years old.

so,about this good news regarding myself...there ain't any.life sucks at the moment,but i couldn't seem to comprehend the sucking feeling of it.i know life sucks but i seem to enjoy it,hahaha.crazy...i know.and about my so called future plan...i haven't even get started yet.oh well,there's actually nothing suprising about it,unless you folks have forgotten..i'm the world's greatest procrastinator,remember? *wink*.

i need to settle down...as in emotionally and financially settle down.but i'm just too lazy...too lazy for a change in my life i guess.i feel apprehensive about the consequences over life-changing's decisions.but hey,of course i'm aware that it's a risk every people has to take at least once in this life.hmmm...maybe later :P.the thought of it only makes me feel more nauseated.

i'm heading back to kl tomorrow...and got myself a movie date with...jeng,jeng,jeng...my buddy Jihan.hahah...who was on your mind?see how pathetic i am right now?no career...no man *sigh*.thank god i'm still financially stable...for the time being,oh well.actually i've been avoiding someone for quite sometime,but he seems very determined.he never stop calling and messaging me.he's...nice,and cute and sweet,a real hunk...but he's 2 years younger than me.not that he's an ageist,but...the thought of going out with someone,even if he's only slightly,younger than me makes me feel....uhmm,like a big sister :P.but his determination definitely caught my attention *wink*.and i love his name....Z****N.has always wanted to name my son (if i ever have one,hehe) Z****N.hahah....i guess now i can finally have a 'son'.

should stop my blabbering now.it's been a really longgggg entry and i can't feel my legs.i will definitely come in here again,to put up the url for my new blog.but have no idea when :P.so i guess....SAYONARA to all you folks...*HUGS*

first,second & third....

i don't know where to start...first of all..i'm on a holiday...a very,very long holiday.i'm doing my umrah (small pilgrim) atm and will be back in islamabad next tuesday.last week i was in madinah.mecca n madinah...the only two countries in the world which forbid an entry by any non-muslims.the times i've spent here are priceless.there are so many other races which i've never met or never known,i learnt about their cultures,food,languages.....and the amazing thing is....we are all united under one religion,ISLAM.

secondly,i'm feeling rather lonely over here.i missed my friends and my new born niece.i miss saf and anim...i miss driving around at night,i miss talking rubbish on the phone with n0tty...*sigh*

thirdly,the surfing time is almost over...heheh...so i guess i'll continue later :P.

take care folks...

my heaven on earth...

the thing about living in a democratic country and having your own free will is really awesome!but having parents who don't understand the meaning of own's free will?ahh...hmm,try imagine The Sims..hehe...cool huh?err..NO!it's not cool unless you're the freak who's controlling the simulated people in the game.uh,i think i can see the resemblance between my life and The Sims,The Sims2,The Sims Expansion Pack....whatelse?oh,The Sims2 University and Nightlife Expansion Pack...*sigh*

what...what?what am i doing to my life?no...i'm sorry,what are THEY doing to my life?i love my parents but they're taking over my life and i don't think they realize it.from the beginning of my life as their daughter and up until today,all the decisions regarding my life (have i said "my life" more than 3 times?oh well...) were made by them and not once did i grumble or complain.err..there was one or two times but in the end i did what they think was best for me.

as far as i can remember,they (my mom in particular) never gave me any encouragement if i decided to go MY WAY.it's either they'll ridicule my dream or they being negative towards it.the one and only person who believed in me was an acquaintance...a long lost friend.the first (and still remain the only one) who thought i could do better than what i was doing at that time.he put the idea of "if you don't try then you'll never know" inside my head and how trying out something isn't a CRIME...as long as robbing or killing someone or any other series of felonies are not in your list of "trying out".

and because of him,i am what i am now.and because of him,i'm able to pursue my dream.well,not exactly because of him.but he put the idea that if other people can do it,then why not me too? *smile* but i still haven't gathered any courage to come up to my parents and tell them my plan.i tried once before and my mom just freaked out.SO...i stopped trying.besides i'm still contemplating on which university i want to go but i know it MUST be somewhere in.....*cough*.i've narrowed it down to two,one in the north of *cough* which i've had my eye on since my early university years and the other one which is in the south west and has oh-my-god the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen and it's just a doorstep away from the beach and a stunning countryside *BIG SMILE*

see..i can't really wait to get out of here.i'm all geared up,uhm..not exactly "all",hehe.more of "still in the process of" but there's still one thing bothering me.my parents' blessings are so important in my everyday life.oh dear god...please make them give back my life to me.i've had enough of 27years of "you can't do this,you're not supposed to do that,are you my daughter or not?,don't cut the onions that way,stop eating that thing,stop watching that show,go take your shower NOW,why you don't want that job? and et cetera,et cetera..." *sigh*

if only they understand the concept of being a parent....if only they try to be more supportive,if only the realize that i am not them and i have my own dreams and desires...but hey,that doesn't make me love them any less *soft sigh*....i do love you guys,you guys are my heaven walking on earth but i also hope you could see what you're doing to my future.

Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you,yet they belong not to you
You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,which you cannot visit,not even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them,but seek not to make them like you
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,and He bends you with His might that His arrow may go swift and far
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,so He loves also the bow that is stable.
~Kahlil Gibran~

goodbye dear friend...

so we finally hung out last night at hartamas...AND i managed to drag saf along,hehe coz i knew i would feel awkward if it was just the two of us....ANNDD...my long lost best friend,wan aka n0tty,joined us too.i couldn't say which one i felt more thrilled meeting...him or n0tty?hmm...well,i did feel nervous and a slight kind of nausea when i heard saf said "oh..ok,i can see your 'pakwe' ".my hands were cold and i really didn't know how to react,and there was a point when i feel like fleeing and leave just the two of them,hehe.no...i'm not a coward,but i was...emm..kind of scared of meeting him after what happened between us.i guess i was scared of what the outcome was.at this point of my life i couldn't handle anymore dejection.i've gathered what's left of my courage and hope and that's all i have.if i lost it again...i'm going to be screwed for a longgg time.

the outing was fun,partly because n0tty made a lot of jokes and had us laughing out loud.hehe...he's so cute,i mean in a funny way.and to my surprise, guy even noticed i haven't been laughing until n0tty got there.*sigh*...what can i say?i sent him back to his aunt's place last night and the only thing we've talked about was music,and music again...and how deserted the highway was.and oh...about how he was going to get a PR in australia.*sigh* i really miss the days when we were so close.the conversation we had was like...a conversation between a cab driver and the passenger,heh!

well,another one and half hour he's going to be up in the blue sky,heading towards the land downunder...and only god knows when he'll be back again.*soft sigh*

chocolates and cuddly bear...

there are few things playing on my mind today.yesterday my mom keep egging me on to go back with her to islamabad and oh dear god how do i tell her i loathe that place?if i agree to go with her,it will somehow delay my plan.i would have to spend at least 4 weeks over there.and i can't even say "no" to her.she has this some kind of VETO POWER,heh!*sigh* does anybody wants to switch mom? oh god...what am i saying.i guess i just feel really pressured what with my work and all.my contract is going to end this month and i'm not even worried,seriously!the only thing i'm worried about is having to finish writing up my record book with total of 3 years work!!and i don't really have much time with the BIG BOSS wants me to proceed with the protein expression work despite the gene isn't in frame with the vector.and what kind of result does he expects?a miracle?ehh...he's the boss,just do what he says.so i've been working on it since last friday and i kept brushing aside all the negative thoughts and also keep on smiling and making a joke when people kept asking me about my contract *sigh*...since i've had couple of rough days,i've decided to give myself a lil' treat with a big bar of chocolate today,hehe *BIG SMILE*

oh btw,i finally agreed to meet up with him but after that i feel like kicking myself which i know is impossible to do.sheeshh...i just really don't know how to stand my ground when it comes to deal with people whom are dear to me.i think saf was right.and now i feel guilty of the way i treated him.he's still a great friend despite what happened between us.and he'll be gone by friday and i don't know when i'll see him again.well,of course he's coming back next march but who knows what will happen in between?plus i already have a plan of....starting on a "new journey".and his birthday is approaching and i really want to give him something coz who knows this might be the first and the last time.but i still haven't figured out what to get him.i was thinking of getting him a set of man's fragrance but i remember he told me his was confiscated by the custom officer (i think it was the australian custom since i know our malaysian custom authority is still very lenient).then i thought of getting him a teddy bear with chocolates since he loves chocolates too and he has always been as cuddly as a teddy bear...oh well,not a good idea eh?humm.*sigh* i don't know.i don't want to give the wrong impression to him.i want to give something that says...."yeah,we're cool.we'll always be good friends".hmm...maybe just a card then.

oh oh...talking about chocolates....i hope my ex is going to be very happy with his new boyfriend.it's gross but i couldn't stop laughing when i found out who his new lover is.hahaha...i'm pure evil.yeah,so what?he's been more than an evil to me but i still pray for his happiness *BIG SMILE* i just hope he'll stop pretending.it really makes me sick when he uses the word "her".ewwsssshhh....

back on track again...

AND she's back on track again....

i think i need people...or...things to remind me of my goal as not to lose my focus.thanks to a colleague, for being such a busybody..hehe, i'm back on track again.

there's only 17 days left for me to start my new journey and i really can't wait.i'm hoping so much this time would be it.so far nothing has been an obstacle to me...not even guy...i mean guys,heh!i would always keep in mind that my future is far more important than having them in my life.welllll...if everything turns out well...and if i find my new life is going to be much more happier than what i am having now,i might just stay at that new place for good *smile*

my heart is an open wound...

today is the loneliest and pathetic working day for me.it seems that getting an emergency leave on monday is pretty much a new trend at my work place now.and i just found out the most disgusting fact about my ex and i really thank god i'm not with him anymore.urrghhh...ewwww.okay...close chapter!

so someone's in town...i received his msg late last night but i'm not sure whether i want to meet up with him or not.but i did call him up this afternoon.and he noticed the awkwardness in my voice.well...what can i say?a part of me feels excited and eager to meet him but those feelings are always overruled by the hurt i feel inside.i know people always say stupid things when they're upset and distressed...but please don't forget that i'm a human too and the last time i checked i still have feelings and emotions running in my veins.sometimes i just want to forget everything...i want to throw away all the good memories of us so i won't feel anymore of this heart-wrenching emotional distress everytime i accidentally think about him.

i know i'm doing the right thing.i mean...we're just friends...so there's no need for him to be all sensitive if i'm ignoring him.he's not the only one who's risking a healing wound.i trusted him and gave him my wounded heart so he could heal it but now it's just getting more wounded.i don't know whom to blame.him for being too selfish and only thinks about his 'wound' or myself for being too ignorant of his pain?but then again,i realized i never fail to understand his situation and i've always tried to compromise with his emotional needs.ahh...what's the point of talking about this when i clearly knows the answer won't even come to me in the nearby future?

i think i'm.....just emotionally blank at the moment.the past few days were the best days for me.i felt motivated and energetic.my happiness and hope were beyond words.nothing could overruled it.but now...i'm not so sure anymore.i really hope this melancholic mood would go away some time soon so i can get back on track in achieving my dream...